My Journey to Islam: miracles happen everyday. | ladyzay

My life has been a series of hardships and unwelcome experiences. It also contains countless stories of success and that which would be classified as miracles. My mother gave birth to me at the age of fifteen. She proceeded to have three more children before her untimely death at the age of twenty-one. Moreover, my father had died several years prior to her so her death was especially hard on me. Strangely I knew she had died before I was informed. I had a dream of her telling me goodbye and that she loved me. Needless to say their death has always been imprinted on my soul. Because of their death I knew that dying was apart of life and I was in constant reflection of my own existence. After the death of my mother, my siblings and I left our hometown and moved to Alabama with our mother?s mother. My grandmother had her own children living with her. We joined them in their small trailer. My aunt is a year younger than me and my uncle is a year older. Our closeness in age made the transition easier for us but my grandmother was overwhelmed. I believe the burden of raising extra children without support was too much and eventually we were given to the state. Once entering the system my siblings, aunt, and uncle was separated into different homes. In the beginning the system tried very hard to keep us together but as the years passed our family meetings became more infrequent until eventually we lost contact. We didn?t met each other again until well into our adulthood

I spent the next four years moving from home to home until my father?s family found me. Upon finding me I left the foster system and move in with my paternal family. My father?s mother was a beacon of strength in my life but problems with some male members of the family caused me to act out until eventually I ran away and my aunt invited me to moved in with her to Atlanta. I truly believe my aunt saved my life. She was a huge benefit during that time and watching her allowed me to blossom into a young woman. While living in my aunt?s house I was required to go to church several times a week. The bible became a pillar in my teenage years. Even as I strayed in my belief system and became rebellious I was constantly brought back to its text. After every sin I committed I would ask forgiveness. I searched constantly for ways to numb my pain. Alcohol and marijuana were my poison of choice but alcohol made it difficult for me to control myself and I dislike not having complete control over my actions. It was my work ethic that pulled me away from becoming addicted to these substances. I knew I had to provide for myself.

During my teenage years I had several jobs as well as attended school as a full time student. My aunt did not make life easy for me. She made me struggle for everything. If I wanted food I had to buy it. This applied to my clothes, personal items and any other things that was needed. Moreover, in order to go anywhere I had to give her gas money or I had to walk to my destination. I grew up knowing that there were no free rides. In my life I was never gave anything for free. I had to strive hard for it or it came with stipulations. My aunt and her husband required that I payed rent while living with them. At the time her treatment angered me and I soon distant myself but now as an adult I recognize the wisdom. This hard work taught me to work towards my goals. I learned not to expect anything from anyone. I also learned to not wait for or on anyone. If I wanted something I knew I had to work hard for it.

Years passed as i grew from my experiences. Working allowed me to escape from trying to find ways to self meditate the pain I carried within. I engaged in dangerous activities and became friends with people who were hustlers. It became my dream to become the biggest hustler the world had every seen. I devised a plan to make money by selling drugs but it seemed as if another direction was destined for me. One night after my eighteen birthday my whole world begin to crash around me. The drugs and alcohol was not enough to numb the pain that resided in my heart nor did it drown out the voices in my head. I begin to lose hope in life and I tried for the third time to commit suicide. I took two bottles of pills but my body rejected it. I ended up laying in my own pool of vomit on the bathroom floor. My aunt came home and saw me in this weaken state and told me that the next time i wanted to kill myself that I should go to the kitchen and grab a knife. That way i would be successful and there would be no chance for failure. Her words hurt me but knowing that no one would care if i died hurt worse.

Soon after that experience I decided to have a conversation with the Creator. I went outside at midnight and begin to scream at the sky. I told Allah that I didn?t believe He existed and if He did I hated him. I asked Him why did He allow everybody in my life to hurt me or use me. I didn?t understand what I had done to God to deserve such treatment. I envied my peers who had their parents to protect and give them that which children desire. I ask the Creator to prove His existence by making some leaves by my foot move. As soon as those words left my mouth three gushes of wind came that shook every tree in the neighborhood. The wind dried the tears that were streaming from my eyes. The hair on my arms stood in acknowledgement of what had happened. I could not deny the experience but I did try to explain it away. I thought it was a fluke. I wanted to be sure of what had happened so I ask for two more items. I asked for a man that would love me. I ask that he be a drug dealer from up north with a deep voice and locs. I also ask that I be given the religion of the Creator. Two months later I met my first husband who had just become muslim. He was a drug dealer with locs from New Jersey with a deep voice and he presented me my first Quran.

It took me months to realize that all i had ask for had come to reality. When the realization hit I cried for days. The Creator had given me all that I had ask for. I felt as if my soul was freed from bondage. The first verse I read in the Quran forever changed my life. It brought such ease to my heart.

Did He not find you an orphan and give [you] refuge? 93:6

I have chosen Islam as my belief system. I take the Quran as my source of guidance and my Lord as my strength. I have lived through multiple suicide attempts, rapes, depression, abandonment and hopelessness. Islam took me away from this and alleviate me of my internal ills while elevating my position within the world.. Allah?s book has inspired and soothed me countless times and it has lead me to become a better person. I can never complain about anything that happened to me. I can only embrace it and be grateful that my journey has brought me here. I am a muslim womb-man and I am enjoying this experience called life.

Source: http://ladyzay.wordpress.com/2012/08/04/my-journey-to-islam-miracles-happen-everyday/

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